I saw this on some woman's MySpace page. I was cracking up for a half hour...
stewie: well, i'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total b***h.
peter: oh my god, brian, there's a message in my alphabits. it says, 'oooooo.'
brian: peter, those are cheerios.
peter (when he's hungover): this sucks worse than that time i went to that museum. (flashback to childhood, standing in museum looking at dinosaur
skeltons.)
peter (as a child): why did all the dinosaurs die out?
man at museum: because you touch yourself at night.
lois: oh, i haven't been on a college campus in years. everything seems so different.
stewie: really? perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.
meg: i just want to kill myself i'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(lois and peter stare in silence)
meg: I'm allergic to peanuts.
(peter and lois keep staring)
meg: you don't know anything about me! (runs upstairs)
peter: who was that guy?
guy on airplane: oh great, i always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
stewie: what did you just say?
lois: stewie, stop fussing.
stewie: pipe down lois. (slaps guy on head.) hey big man, turn around. oh you can't hear me now. i was going to watch the movie, but forget it. for the next 5 hours, you're my b***h.
peter (after lois tells him he's childish): if i'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and i'll be damned if i'm going stand here and take this from a pervert.
tom tucker: and now time for ollie williams with the black-u-weather forecast. ollie?
ollie: it gon rain.
tom tucker: thanks, ollie.
bonnie: somebody save him, he can't swim!
peter: oh, he's not even kicking. kick joe, kick.
lois: peter, he's a paraplegic!
peter: that doesn't mean he can't hear. kick joe, kick!
peter: (grabs the microphone at a fast food restaurant) attention restaurant customers: testicles. that is all.
peter: i'll handle it, lois. i read a book about this sort of thing once.
brian: are you sure it was a book? are you sure it wasn't nothing?
peter: oh yeah.
stewie (to one of the prostitutes at cleveland's house): so, is there any tread left on the tires? or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
peter: excuse me, is your refrigerator running? because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually.
[quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]
quagmire: dear diary: jackpot.
(lois finds a note in chris's pocket)
lois: huh, what's this? you know stewie, mommy doesn't usually read things out of chris's pocket. she's more respectful than that.
stewie: whatever helps you sleep at night, b***h.
quagmire: hey there sweetie, how old are you?
connie: 16.
quagmire: 18? you're first.
connie: mom!
quagmire: i like where this is goin'! giggidy, giggidy, gig-gi-dy!
peter: so uhh, mr. pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow eh? bet you're gonna need some strapping men to help you with your boat.
mr. pewterschmidt: are you calling me gay?
peter: no. no. i just; i just thought you might want some extra seamen on your poopdeck.
television announcer: we now return to the smurfs...
(on television screen)
smurf #1: hey, did you have a good time last night?
smurf #2: smurf-tacular!
smurf #1: yeah, i saw you leave with smurfette.
smurf #2: oh man, as soon as we got out of the bar, she started smurfing me.
smurf #1: shut the smurf up!
smurf #2: yeah!
smurf #1: right in the smurfing parking lot?
smurf #2: smurf-yeah!
smurf #1: oh! that is freaking smurf!
chris: dad, what's the blow-hole for?
peter: i'll tell you what it's not for, son. and when i do, you'll understand why i can never go back to sea world.
stewie: let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that i'm expected to turn and turn until oop! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and i die a little inside.
brian (spanish): hola, me llamo es brian ... nosotros queremos ir con ustedes.. uhhhh ...
bellboy: hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "me llamo es brian," you don't need the "es," just me llamo brian.
brian: oh, oh you speak english!
bellboy (sigh): no, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
brian: you .... you're kidding me, right?
bellboy (spanish): que?
lois: honey, what do you say we uh...christen these new sheets, huh?
peter: why lois griffin, you naughty girl.
lois: hehehe...that's me.
peter: you dirty hustler.
lois: hehehehe...
peter: you filthy, stinky prostitute.
lois: aha, ok I get it...
peter: you foul, venereal disease carrying, street walking whore.
lois: alright, that's enough!
stewie: there's always been a lot of tension between lois and me, and it's not so much that i want to kill her, it's just, i want her not to be alive anymore.
stewie: hello, mother. i come bearing a gift. i'll give you a hint. it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
olivia: you are the weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)
stewie: ha ha ha! oh gosh that's funny! that's really funny! do you write your own material? do you? because that is so fresh. you are the weakest link goodbye. you know, i've, i've never heard anyone make that joke before. hmm. you're the first. i've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. because that's what she says on the show right? isn't it? you are the weakest link goodbye. and, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. god what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. that's so fresh too. any, any titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. god you're so funny!
meg: everybody! guess what I am?
stewie: hm, the end result of a drunken back-seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?
stewie: did you hear that meg? guys can marry other guys now. so...this is awkward, but i mean, if they can do that, then that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? i mean you might as well pack it in. game over.
tom tucker: because of an accident today at the quahog cable company, all television transmission will be out for an undetermined amount of time. of course, no one can see this news program, so it doesn't really matter what we say. i'm the lord jesus christ. i think i'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets, how about you, diane?
diane simmons: well, tom, i just plain don't like black people.
camera man: hey guys, we're still on in boston.
diane simmons: tom, i'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous closet-case.
tom tucker: bit of breaking news, we now go live to diane being a b***h. diane.
bill cosby: stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?
stewie: sunshine and farts! what the hell kind of question is that?!
peter: aww man! i hate trivial pursuit, it always makes me feel so stupid.
brian: more stupid then that time you locked your keys out of the car?
(cut to peter inside the car with his keys lying outside his car door.)
peter: dammit! hey! hey! somebody! hey! sir! sir! sir! you see those keys there? sir! si-! (man walks away) screw you! (sticks a bent straight hanger out of his window and trys to catch the keys on the hanger. the keys fall.) oh waahhaahaaa!
lois: i guarantee you a man made that commercial.
peter: of course a man made it. it's a commercial lois, not a delicious thanksgiving dinner.
peter: oh, lois, you are so full of (beep)! what?! now i can't say (beep) in my own (beep)ing house?! great, lois. just (beep)in' great. you know, you're lucky you're good at (beep) my (beep) or i'd never put up with ya. you know what i'm talking about, when you (beep) lubed-up (beep) toothpaste in my (beep) while you (beep) on a cherry (beep) episcopalian (beep) extension cord (beep) wetness (beep) with a parking ticket. that is the best!
lois: peter, there's a hooker on the bed!
hooker: hi.
peter: stand perfectly still lois, their vision is based on movement.
(pause)
hooker: where'd you go?
brian (at the quahog county trailer park): you're really going to take back donated presents on christmas eve?
peter: yep, now here's the plan: you'll enter through the air contitioning duct here. now there'll be an invisible laser grid three inches from the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin.
brian: can i buy some pot from you?
god: here, let me light that for you, babe.
(zap with thunderbolt to the cigarette)
girl: hey, thanks!
god: yep, magic fingers. (chuckles)
(zap with thunderbolt to the girl incinerating her.)
god: jesus christ!
jesus: what?
god: get the escalade! we're outta here!
lois: stewie why don't you play in the other room?
stewie: why don't you burn in hell?
chris: dad, what would you say if i told i didn't want to be in the scouts?
peter: i'd say, 'come again?' and i'd laugh as i said, 'come.'
stewie (talking on sesame street phone): put me through to the pentagon!
ernie: do you know what sound a cow makes?
stewie: don't toy with me ernie! i've already dispatched mr. hooper, i've got 6 armed men stationed outside big bird's nest, and well as for linda, well, it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assasin approach now, isn't it?!
ernie: can you count to three?
stewie: oh indeed i can! (pulls out a raygun.) one! two! three! can i count to three for god's sake?! i'm already shooting at a fifth grade level!
stewie: well, i'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total b***h.
peter: oh my god, brian, there's a message in my alphabits. it says, 'oooooo.'
brian: peter, those are cheerios.
peter (when he's hungover): this sucks worse than that time i went to that museum. (flashback to childhood, standing in museum looking at dinosaur
skeltons.)
peter (as a child): why did all the dinosaurs die out?
man at museum: because you touch yourself at night.
lois: oh, i haven't been on a college campus in years. everything seems so different.
stewie: really? perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.
meg: i just want to kill myself i'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(lois and peter stare in silence)
meg: I'm allergic to peanuts.
(peter and lois keep staring)
meg: you don't know anything about me! (runs upstairs)
peter: who was that guy?
guy on airplane: oh great, i always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
stewie: what did you just say?
lois: stewie, stop fussing.
stewie: pipe down lois. (slaps guy on head.) hey big man, turn around. oh you can't hear me now. i was going to watch the movie, but forget it. for the next 5 hours, you're my b***h.
peter (after lois tells him he's childish): if i'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and i'll be damned if i'm going stand here and take this from a pervert.
tom tucker: and now time for ollie williams with the black-u-weather forecast. ollie?
ollie: it gon rain.
tom tucker: thanks, ollie.
bonnie: somebody save him, he can't swim!
peter: oh, he's not even kicking. kick joe, kick.
lois: peter, he's a paraplegic!
peter: that doesn't mean he can't hear. kick joe, kick!
peter: (grabs the microphone at a fast food restaurant) attention restaurant customers: testicles. that is all.
peter: i'll handle it, lois. i read a book about this sort of thing once.
brian: are you sure it was a book? are you sure it wasn't nothing?
peter: oh yeah.
stewie (to one of the prostitutes at cleveland's house): so, is there any tread left on the tires? or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
peter: excuse me, is your refrigerator running? because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually.
[quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]
quagmire: dear diary: jackpot.
(lois finds a note in chris's pocket)
lois: huh, what's this? you know stewie, mommy doesn't usually read things out of chris's pocket. she's more respectful than that.
stewie: whatever helps you sleep at night, b***h.
quagmire: hey there sweetie, how old are you?
connie: 16.
quagmire: 18? you're first.
connie: mom!
quagmire: i like where this is goin'! giggidy, giggidy, gig-gi-dy!
peter: so uhh, mr. pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow eh? bet you're gonna need some strapping men to help you with your boat.
mr. pewterschmidt: are you calling me gay?
peter: no. no. i just; i just thought you might want some extra seamen on your poopdeck.
television announcer: we now return to the smurfs...
(on television screen)
smurf #1: hey, did you have a good time last night?
smurf #2: smurf-tacular!
smurf #1: yeah, i saw you leave with smurfette.
smurf #2: oh man, as soon as we got out of the bar, she started smurfing me.
smurf #1: shut the smurf up!
smurf #2: yeah!
smurf #1: right in the smurfing parking lot?
smurf #2: smurf-yeah!
smurf #1: oh! that is freaking smurf!
chris: dad, what's the blow-hole for?
peter: i'll tell you what it's not for, son. and when i do, you'll understand why i can never go back to sea world.
stewie: let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that i'm expected to turn and turn until oop! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and i die a little inside.
brian (spanish): hola, me llamo es brian ... nosotros queremos ir con ustedes.. uhhhh ...
bellboy: hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "me llamo es brian," you don't need the "es," just me llamo brian.
brian: oh, oh you speak english!
bellboy (sigh): no, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
brian: you .... you're kidding me, right?
bellboy (spanish): que?
lois: honey, what do you say we uh...christen these new sheets, huh?
peter: why lois griffin, you naughty girl.
lois: hehehe...that's me.
peter: you dirty hustler.
lois: hehehehe...
peter: you filthy, stinky prostitute.
lois: aha, ok I get it...
peter: you foul, venereal disease carrying, street walking whore.
lois: alright, that's enough!
stewie: there's always been a lot of tension between lois and me, and it's not so much that i want to kill her, it's just, i want her not to be alive anymore.
stewie: hello, mother. i come bearing a gift. i'll give you a hint. it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
olivia: you are the weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)
stewie: ha ha ha! oh gosh that's funny! that's really funny! do you write your own material? do you? because that is so fresh. you are the weakest link goodbye. you know, i've, i've never heard anyone make that joke before. hmm. you're the first. i've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. because that's what she says on the show right? isn't it? you are the weakest link goodbye. and, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. god what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. that's so fresh too. any, any titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. god you're so funny!
meg: everybody! guess what I am?
stewie: hm, the end result of a drunken back-seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?
stewie: did you hear that meg? guys can marry other guys now. so...this is awkward, but i mean, if they can do that, then that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? i mean you might as well pack it in. game over.
tom tucker: because of an accident today at the quahog cable company, all television transmission will be out for an undetermined amount of time. of course, no one can see this news program, so it doesn't really matter what we say. i'm the lord jesus christ. i think i'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets, how about you, diane?
diane simmons: well, tom, i just plain don't like black people.
camera man: hey guys, we're still on in boston.
diane simmons: tom, i'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous closet-case.
tom tucker: bit of breaking news, we now go live to diane being a b***h. diane.
bill cosby: stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?
stewie: sunshine and farts! what the hell kind of question is that?!
peter: aww man! i hate trivial pursuit, it always makes me feel so stupid.
brian: more stupid then that time you locked your keys out of the car?
(cut to peter inside the car with his keys lying outside his car door.)
peter: dammit! hey! hey! somebody! hey! sir! sir! sir! you see those keys there? sir! si-! (man walks away) screw you! (sticks a bent straight hanger out of his window and trys to catch the keys on the hanger. the keys fall.) oh waahhaahaaa!
lois: i guarantee you a man made that commercial.
peter: of course a man made it. it's a commercial lois, not a delicious thanksgiving dinner.
peter: oh, lois, you are so full of (beep)! what?! now i can't say (beep) in my own (beep)ing house?! great, lois. just (beep)in' great. you know, you're lucky you're good at (beep) my (beep) or i'd never put up with ya. you know what i'm talking about, when you (beep) lubed-up (beep) toothpaste in my (beep) while you (beep) on a cherry (beep) episcopalian (beep) extension cord (beep) wetness (beep) with a parking ticket. that is the best!
lois: peter, there's a hooker on the bed!
hooker: hi.
peter: stand perfectly still lois, their vision is based on movement.
(pause)
hooker: where'd you go?
brian (at the quahog county trailer park): you're really going to take back donated presents on christmas eve?
peter: yep, now here's the plan: you'll enter through the air contitioning duct here. now there'll be an invisible laser grid three inches from the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin.
brian: can i buy some pot from you?
god: here, let me light that for you, babe.
(zap with thunderbolt to the cigarette)
girl: hey, thanks!
god: yep, magic fingers. (chuckles)
(zap with thunderbolt to the girl incinerating her.)
god: jesus christ!
jesus: what?
god: get the escalade! we're outta here!
lois: stewie why don't you play in the other room?
stewie: why don't you burn in hell?
chris: dad, what would you say if i told i didn't want to be in the scouts?
peter: i'd say, 'come again?' and i'd laugh as i said, 'come.'
stewie (talking on sesame street phone): put me through to the pentagon!
ernie: do you know what sound a cow makes?
stewie: don't toy with me ernie! i've already dispatched mr. hooper, i've got 6 armed men stationed outside big bird's nest, and well as for linda, well, it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assasin approach now, isn't it?!
ernie: can you count to three?
stewie: oh indeed i can! (pulls out a raygun.) one! two! three! can i count to three for god's sake?! i'm already shooting at a fifth grade level!
stares at family picture of the boss, his wife and his son) "Doing your. . . .son . ?"