You guys wanna proof read?

[kbrownmann]

page 2 update

so i had an interview with a car dealer in my area as a casheer today and was asked to bring a cover letter to them tomorrow. does this sound good to you guys?? also, any suggestions?

September 29, 2009
Diana Spaw, Office Manager
Beechmont Subaru
8021 Beechmont Ave
Cincinnati, OH 45255

Dear Ms. Spaw,

We met yesterday for an interview and the Cashier position you have available fits perfectly to my qualifications. As a reliable individual I believe that I am someone who will be an asset to your company. With previous experience as a Cashier, and a subsequent know-how of a formal telephone conversation, I would like to put my skills to work for you.

As we have discussed, the main asset you are looking for in an employee is dependability. Over the five summers that I have worked with Campbell County Knothole, I have yet to miss my scheduled work time. I have reliable transportation to and from work, and located only about fifteen minutes away, I would be more than happy to pick up extra shifts as needed.

Along with the reliability I can bring to your company, I also offer other work characteristics such as:
• Maturity; honesty; proficient accuracy with numbers.
• Knowledge, along with a formal, business mindset.
• Strong work ethics and self motivation.
• Most importantly, dependability and dedication

Please accept this letter as an expression of my genuine interest I have in working along with you and your co-workers. I have enthusiasm to get the job done. I also offer self motivation, so I can be trusted to work alone.

I believe that if you are truly interested in a reliable individual with a positive attitude and strong work ethics, that I am the perfect employee for you. It would be a pleasure to work with you, and I look forward to a favorable reply. Thank you for your time, and I hope to see you soon.
Sincerely,

Kerry Baumann
Enclosure

 

[stcroix]

YOUR HIRED. ha thats sounds legit . id hire you

 

[HatchmanEJ6]

yeah real professional mayne,

 

[kbrownmann]

haha thanks guys

 

[JohnS.]

Dear Ms. Spaw,

We met yesterday for an interview and the Cashier position you have available, (add comma) fits perfectly to my qualifications. As a reliable individual, (add comma) I believe that I am someone who will be an asset to your company. With previous experience as a Cashier, and a subsequent know-how of a formal telephone conversation (what the hell is that supposed to mean?), I would like to put my skills to work for you.

As we have discussed, the main asset you are looking for in an employee is dependability. Over the five summers that I have worked with Campbell County Knothole, I have yet to miss my scheduled work time. I have reliable transportation to and from work, and located only about fifteen minutes away, I would be more than happy to pick up extra shifts as needed. (Reword that)

Along with the reliability I can bring to your company, I also offer other work characteristics such as:
• Maturity; honesty; proficient accuracy with numbers.
• Knowledge, along with a formal, business mindset.
• Strong work ethics and self motivation.
• Most importantly, dependability and dedication

Please accept this letter as an expression of my genuine interest I have in working along with you and your co-workers. I have enthusiasm to get the job done. I also offer self motivation, so I can be trusted to work alone.

I believe that if you are truly interested in a reliable individual with a positive attitude and strong work ethics, that (remove word) I am the perfect employee for you. It would be a pleasure to work with you, (remove comma) and I look forward to a favorable reply. Thank you for your time, (remove comma) and I hope to see you soon.
Sincerely,

Kerry Baumann
Enclosure

I bolded and added in underlined parenthesis what needs to be fixed. You don't need a comma before every "and". You only need a serial comma when there is 2 or more "objects" in the sentence.

Example #1 - I ate an apple, a peach, and a strawberry. 3rd comma can be used.
Example #2 - I ate an apple and a peach. Technically and grammatically, I'm almost positive you CAN use a comma before "and". But it's not actually necessary.

 

[Tam4511]

id hire u, thats legit.

 

[31dev31]

I'd hire you in a heartbeat!

 

[94civickid]

sounds good to me let us know if you get hired

 

[nicoyita1]

I bolded and added in underlined parenthesis what needs to be fixed. You don't need a comma before every "and". You only need a serial comma when there is 2 or more "objects" in the sentence.

Example #1 - I ate an apple, a peach, and a strawberry. 3rd comma can be used.
Example #2 - I ate an apple and a peach. Technically and grammatically, I'm almost positive you CAN use a comma before "and". But it's not actually necessary.

Umm don't add that comma "Cashier position you have available, (add comma) fits perfectly to my qualifications"

 

[Aaron.]

sounds good man, beats mine for sure lol

 

[nicoyita1]

oh, and make sure to get me a sweet deal on an STi when you get the job, i'd appreciate it.

 

[JohnS.]

Umm don't add that comma "Cashier position you have available, (add comma) fits perfectly to my qualifications"

After re-reading it, sounds like it could work without the comma.

 

[kbrownmann]

sweet thanks john.. and everyone else who helped or put their input

 

[kbrownmann]

oh, and make sure to get me a sweet deal on an STi when you get the job, i'd appreciate it.

ha i wish

 

[RonJ]

September 29, 2009
Diana Spaw, Office Manager
Beechmont Subaru
8021 Beechmont Ave
Cincinnati, OH 45255

Dear Ms. Spaw,

I submit this letter as a formal expression of my interest to work with you and your co-workers at Beechmont Subaru. As discussed in my interview yesterday, your available Cashier position fits perfectly to my qualifications. I have extensive experience as a Cashier, and I am skilled at conducting pleasant and professional telephone conversations with customers. Furthermore, the main asset you seek in an employee is dependability. In this regard, I was never later to work or missed a scheduled work day during my five summers of employment at Campbell County Knothole. I also have a well maintained vehicle for work commutes, and I live about fifteen minutes from Beechmont Subaru. If called upon, I would also be delighted to work additional shifts.

Also noteworthy is that, along with my work experience and dependability, I offer your company additional important characteristics, including:

• Enthusiasm
• Dedication
• Maturity and honesty
• Strong work ethic and self motivation
• Professional business mindset
• Desire to learn new skills
• Proficiency with numbers

In summary, I am excited about the possibility of putting my skills to work for you and, if given the opportunity, I am sure to become an asset to your company.

I look forward to your favorable reply.


Sincerely,

Kerry Baumann
Enclosure

 

[JohnS.]

^^ looks like you're trying to overimpress them with fancy vocabulary and transitions. Looks overdone IMHO.

 

[somejaykid]

nicely done if i were the person hiring, you'd be working tomorrow lol

 

[kbrownmann]

Update....
hey guys thanks for all your help.. i got the job.. im the new employee of Beechmont Subaru lol

 

[hooked_on4]

Why would you capitalize Cashier? Other than that w/ JohnS's revisions looks great.

Good luck man!

edit: too late lol congrats!

 

[toneekay]

Dude... Just pull our your penis in front of her. She's a freak I tell ya!