Man Commits Suicide After Learning Harry Potter Spoiler

[anfrey]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andy-borowitz/man-commits-suicide-after_b_231271.html

HUDSON, OHIO (The Borowitz Report) -- A rabid Harry Potter fan took his life yesterday after inadvertently learning a plot spoiler from the soon-to-be-released J.K. Rowling movie, "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince."

Jude Ralston, 32, of Hudson, Ohio left a suicide note indicating that since overhearing the plot spoiler at a shopping mall earlier in the day, "I no longer have a reason to live."

Family and friends who gathered for a candlelight memorial outside Mr. Ralston's house remembered a man who seemed to live only for Harry Potter - and wondered if they could have done anything to prevent his tragic fate.

"When Jude got that vanity license plate that said 'Hogwarts,' that seemed harmless enough," said Polly Clovis, who attended Model U.N. with Mr. Ralston while the two were in high school. "But when he started wearing that wizard hat around town, we really should have seen that as a cry for help."

According to friends of Mr. Ralston, the Potter fanatic had done everything in his power to protect himself from stumbling across Potter plot spoilers, even disconnecting his computer from the Internet and avoiding his favorite vintage comic book store.

Ms. Clovis said that she hoped Mr. Ralston's death would cause federal authorities to tighten the flow of Harry Potter plot information to prevent similar tragedies from taking place.

"In my heart I believe that could have saved Jude's life, even if he didn't have one," she said.

Elsewhere, stocks rallied on news of Goldman Sachs' joint venture with Satan.

 

[civicturbo91]

"In my heart I believe that could have saved Jude's life, even if he didn't have one," she said.

haha

 

[ej_EXtasy]

This is our modern world, killing yourself cause you know what happend to the witches and wizards.

 

[toneekay]

wow gg

 

[cgpEJ6]

No way that's real...


...I hope

 

[wannabe]

wow, good thing he never read the books then

 

[ej_EXtasy]

wow, good thing he never read the books then

Post of the day?

 

[roaddogg3034]

"But when he started wearing that wizard hat around town"

 

[Ek4C707]

he deserved it

 

[Jordan_n]

it would be in ohio.

even if he is dead, what a freaking moron.

 

[Kaotic_Zeus]

we need a keyboard cat for this somehow

 

[circlethesky187]

Holy s**t Hudson is like 20 minutes away from me

 

[Jersey8]

jesus people these days

 

[Tiso]

it would be in ohio.

No s**t.

If this is true, one less f**khead to deal with.

I am still doubting this is true until I hear it on the news around here

 

[Bheims]

Ms. Clovis said that she hoped Mr. Ralston's death would cause federal authorities to tighten the flow of Harry Potter plot information to prevent similar tragedies from taking place.

You have got to be kidding me...

 

[pyropunker25]

good...more air for us... whos stupid enough to do that anyways.....?

 

[el_betiyo]

Who the f**k reads or watches Harry Potter at 32?

Dumb

 

[brittanyx92]

that reminds me of this girl that goes to my school. she's 21 now i think and she's still a freshman. she thinks harry potter is her boyfriend. she casts "spells" on the people that make fun of her. i kinda feel bad for her. but her parents obviously can't get it through her head that he's not real.

 

[LowNotSlow]

Good, another useless person gone.

 

[civic94lx]

He wasted his life for a piece of crap movie. I'll be doing the same when I see the "Fast and Furious 5 trailer" LOL haha