First, I want you to go to the liquor store. Find yourself a bottle of 10 Cane or anything else that says cachaca on it. It's going to be with the rum. What's that? Your liquor store sucks? Buy a f**king bottle of white rum instead. I know, you'll look like a f**king homo with that bottle of Christian Brother's tucked under your arm like a purse, but goddamnit .... Captain Morgan isn't what you need here.
What the f**k did you just say? 'Got a little Captain in you?' Yeah. Great. You just admitted you had sex with a guy. *golfclap* Back to business.
Now, if your liquor store isn't run by the Chinese Mafia or blind old people, grab a bottle of Rose's lime juice. s**t, none of that here? No matter, you're going to the grocery store anyways. Give the grizzled ex-cop your fake ID and get out of there.
Now, drive to the grocery store. Don't go to a Food Lion or a QFC or some other such nonsense. You want a REAL store. Safeway, Acme, Albertson's, whatever. NO FOOD LION.
Find pineapple juice and a bottle of Rose's Lime (I'm assuming old people owned your liquor store at this point). Buy a bag of ice too, unless you live with your parents. We all know men don't know how to make ice, science proved that s**t like last year. DON'T ARGUE WITH ME, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE ICE. DEAL WITH IT. Now, pay, and go home.
Still with me here, Sally? Good ... good.
Now, I want you to get a shaker and strainer (if you're a James Bond suave motherfucker), or if you suck ass ... you can use two different glasses and one of those ghetto little mesh strainers your parents use to make gravy -- same sort of gravy they made you with ... naaahhhnnngggg. Put a couple ice cubes in the small glass, and pour in this magical concoction:
1oz Rose's lime juice
2oz pineapple juice
2oz 10 Cane (or white rum if you're gay)
Now, this is the tricky part here. YOU PUT THE BIG GLASS ON THE SMALL GLASS. UPSIDE DOWN! Now shake that s**t like your baby momma be trippin' ... or some other such ethnic slur. You get the picture, shake it. It mixes the drink and it also chills it. SCIENCE!
Now, use your strainer to pour this s**t into a nice rocks glass. What? You don't have real bar glass? FINE. Use a f**king Welch's Jelly jar with Fred Flinstone on it. Nobody's judging you here.
NOW DRINK PUSSY. Seriously, this stuff gets you wasted. Here's where my homeboy science comes in to back me up. Cachaca is made from virgin cane juice, rather than molasses like rum is. This means that it is not extracted and cooked and evaporated, and none of the original awesome has been lost. You know what that means? It means it tastes f**king awesome and it gets you drunk! It also makes you angry, like tequila does! PURE PRODUCT!
Also, pineapple juice is loaded with C and B1, and that means it helps you get drunk! Vitamin C is required for metabolization of glucose, and B1 helps catabolize glucose into raw energy! Now, if you don't watch the Discovery Channel or go to school, I'll fill you in. The reason you get drunk is alcohol breaks down into ethanol, and is metabolized into glucose. YOU KNOW WHAT THIS f**king MEANS?! It means, more glucose metabolization means more f**king drunk!
So what are you waiting for? GO GET YOUR DRINK ON.
What the f**k did you just say? 'Got a little Captain in you?' Yeah. Great. You just admitted you had sex with a guy. *golfclap* Back to business.
Now, if your liquor store isn't run by the Chinese Mafia or blind old people, grab a bottle of Rose's lime juice. s**t, none of that here? No matter, you're going to the grocery store anyways. Give the grizzled ex-cop your fake ID and get out of there.
Now, drive to the grocery store. Don't go to a Food Lion or a QFC or some other such nonsense. You want a REAL store. Safeway, Acme, Albertson's, whatever. NO FOOD LION.
Find pineapple juice and a bottle of Rose's Lime (I'm assuming old people owned your liquor store at this point). Buy a bag of ice too, unless you live with your parents. We all know men don't know how to make ice, science proved that s**t like last year. DON'T ARGUE WITH ME, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE ICE. DEAL WITH IT. Now, pay, and go home.
Still with me here, Sally? Good ... good.
Now, I want you to get a shaker and strainer (if you're a James Bond suave motherfucker), or if you suck ass ... you can use two different glasses and one of those ghetto little mesh strainers your parents use to make gravy -- same sort of gravy they made you with ... naaahhhnnngggg. Put a couple ice cubes in the small glass, and pour in this magical concoction:
1oz Rose's lime juice
2oz pineapple juice
2oz 10 Cane (or white rum if you're gay)
Now, this is the tricky part here. YOU PUT THE BIG GLASS ON THE SMALL GLASS. UPSIDE DOWN! Now shake that s**t like your baby momma be trippin' ... or some other such ethnic slur. You get the picture, shake it. It mixes the drink and it also chills it. SCIENCE!
Now, use your strainer to pour this s**t into a nice rocks glass. What? You don't have real bar glass? FINE. Use a f**king Welch's Jelly jar with Fred Flinstone on it. Nobody's judging you here.
NOW DRINK PUSSY. Seriously, this stuff gets you wasted. Here's where my homeboy science comes in to back me up. Cachaca is made from virgin cane juice, rather than molasses like rum is. This means that it is not extracted and cooked and evaporated, and none of the original awesome has been lost. You know what that means? It means it tastes f**king awesome and it gets you drunk! It also makes you angry, like tequila does! PURE PRODUCT!
Also, pineapple juice is loaded with C and B1, and that means it helps you get drunk! Vitamin C is required for metabolization of glucose, and B1 helps catabolize glucose into raw energy! Now, if you don't watch the Discovery Channel or go to school, I'll fill you in. The reason you get drunk is alcohol breaks down into ethanol, and is metabolized into glucose. YOU KNOW WHAT THIS f**king MEANS?! It means, more glucose metabolization means more f**king drunk!
So what are you waiting for? GO GET YOUR DRINK ON.
!
